Sigh. First off, I apologize for the apparent break I took from this blog. Besides the normal excuse of life, being busy, work etc, this particular story is hard to get into writing. So far, my stroll down memory lane has been pleasant and reminiscent of good feelings. This is where my journey starts to take a real different turn.
I met Josh Bind my sophmore year in high school. He’d been abroad the year before and was a senior but even older since he lost some school credits being transatlantic for a year. Josh is the reason I believe in animal attraction. He was not all that good looking. He was not nice. And, truly, he was not fun to be around. I don’t know why I liked him but without explanation, I did.
There were many flags shining that bright color of red that are so easy to ignore. The first I took note of was when he took my best friend Beth and I out to the dunes one night to meet up with a bunch of people to drink and cause normal teen havoc at the beach. The walk out there was more of a hike and through a dark forest one could easily place in a horror movie. We were all a bit freaked but in a fun way until we actually heard a noise in the bushes that signaled something larger than a breadbox. Josh WAS holding my hand as we walked but the nanosecond we heard the noise, he threw my hand down and raaaaaaaaaaaan. Beth and I looked at each other, took stock of the moment (being ditched by the “strong male” in the group and the supposed bear that was coming to eat us) and also ran. We all made it to the beach in one piece, some of us sooner than others and ended up having a fun night. But the damage had been done. I knew Josh wasn’t great but not until that night did I know he was no good.
Now, here’s the real frustrating part. I was totally attracted to this douche bag. And truly, he was NOT attractive. He had a nice enough body but he had the strangest nose I’ve ever seen on a person. I can only describe it as a pig nose. There is no exaggeration to this description. And, sadly no matter how lame he was (and he reeeeeally was), my body wanted to explore his. This now makes me shudder but at the time, these were all new physical feelings. Similar to the fuzzy feelings that took over my body during my first kiss, Josh brought out a dizziness in me that was addicting. I had kissed before but nothing else. Josh really was my first for body exploration. He was more experienced than I but he himself had never, how shall we say, kissed a girl “down there”. I was so nervous. This is where things get a tad, blunt.
I’m sure no matter what my first oral sex experience was going to be like, I’d always feel exposed. But what happened between Josh and I not only ruined that night but has since tainted all subsequent experiences for me. We were in my bedroom (I’m quite sure my parents were “out”) and had previously talked about what we were going to try that night. I was unsure as I felt very insecure about that area. It was one thing to have his hands exploring but I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to stick their face down there. I mean, I don’t care how clean you are or what products you use where, there is a scent that women have no matter what. And I was insecure about my scent. So Josh starts kissing my belly and slowly making his way down there and I remember looking over my right shoulder and seeing my reflection in the mirror and thinking “this is a moment, this is my first and you can’t change that and it’s happening right now”. There was real clarity to this moment for me and as I turned my head back and closed my eyes and tried to relax into the warmness that was starting, Josh bolted up. He stood up, put on his pants and walked out the door. Not a word. I was confused and crushed. And yet, I knew what the issue was for him. What else could it be? He later confirmed my biggest fear, that he didn’t like how I smelled. I wanted to ask if he liked how ANYthing smelled coming from that nose. But I didn’t. And in fact, we got past that big ass red flag and kept dating for a few more months. I’m not proud.
Kind of wish I’d had the wisdom and confidence that teen did in “Juno” to know better and be ok with it all. But I didn’t. I will say, while I’m still not entirely comfortable with oral sex being given to me, I’ve definitely gotten over it enough to now enjoy it. But it took years and is still hard for me to even talk about. My mom refers to this ex-boyfriend as “Josh the Jerk”. Not just a nice alliteration. She was dead on. Sadly, it took me another crushing incident to realize just how capitalized that “J” was going to be…
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